Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves
It’s kinda hard to not pay attention to things, actions and people around you. Sometimes even the people you trust the most unintentionally become your greatest obstacle. The person who doesn’t quite understand your journey, know or believe the conversations you’ve had with your Master Love Source or respect the strength it took for you to stand up in the first place. Sometimes, it’s you casting too much hope in the hand that’s gotten you started on your road when the unmitigated truth is… It’s All About You! Finally! I might add.
One of my greater struggles stems from an experience I had as a child. Since then, I may hold on too tight, or let that ass go at the first sign of disconnect. It’s no gloat for me, but rather a flaw that seems to have impeded all areas of my life. Business, love, personal, friendship… You name it; it has been foiled at one time or another by this particular character flaw, or rather sensational void that has – has to be continuously filled.
When I was 5 years old, I got a chance to meet my father. (Yes, I said meet.) Most folk, in a perfect world grow up being loved by both parents and having a strong parental board aiming them at future goals and wonderful successes. Ok, well, I didn’t have that. I’m grateful for a strong-willed mother and an Aunty you could only dream about. They’re the best and the reason I am who and how I am today. So I have no “apparent” complaints.
I use the word apparent because we aren’t always aware of what’s been cultured in our psyche. We go day in and day out formulating habits that we cannot pinpoint where they began. I learned some years ago that that fatal meeting with my father killed not only my confidence as a youth growing up, but also my right to feel I belonged, was safe, cared for and protected. The one element that so often affects us all was riddled and unseen, “worthiness” had been stolen from me since before I even knew the word or its meaning.
You see, that day which was stained so deeply in my mind for many years became attached to my teenage wandering and wondering no matter how gifted and talented I was. What became real for me was that I was not enough for him. It left me in years of turmoil, identity crisis with little resolution, no reconciliation and with a deteriorating emotional-limp. Walking up right only when I was “on” “seen”, performing and asked to speak. I wore a mask of confidence but there was none there.
Completely crippled by the fact that I was introduced to him and he in turn introduced me to his “son” made it immediately evident that I was not “his” in his mind, let alone his heart. Now trust, I have an awesome mother and wonderful aunt. But it’s that thing that you don’t have that always creeps its way into your mind to be wanted so much more. Why was I not good enough, what made his “son” so much better? The question itself caused me to begin building emotional layers that I shielded with food, fake smiles, outrageous behavior, promiscuity, and random thoughtless encounters. I became my worst enemy.
You see; it was definitely all in my mind. The lack of “worthiness”, that is. But the mind becomes whatever you feed it- so I’d fed it doubt, untruths about myself, my lifestyle, and my eating habits, even my family. I was definitely estranged for some time. I built a wall around me and only let people; things in that I knew would conform to my way of thinking or bow to my mask of confidence.
It wasn’t until August 2005, my mid-twenties, in the basement of a hotel that held a Sunday service that I began to believe God truly intended good for me, my life…but it took another four years, August 2009 for me to actually deal with all of the things that were weighting me down. My “Diane von Furstenberg” I like to call it- Baggage!!!!!
On that hot August Cali day in 2009 I found myself in my closet on the floor- feeling the void; the hole in my gut was so real, so dark. I could barely breathe, I whispered to the God that I’d grown to believe, love and trust “I can not do this” and as tears flowed down my face like a rushing stream, I realized that I didn’t have to. There was something that spoke to my core, “there is water in the dessert.
The truth is; I had no idea of what that meant. Water in the dessert was simple enough but what did that have to do with me? As I put one foot in front of the other in the days that followed my “mountain top experience”, God began to show himself clearly.
The problem wasn’t that my father had “left” or that I was bullied by the kids in my neighborhood, school and my own siblings- the problem was I had never taken the time to see myself through the only eyes that truly empowered to bless me. ME!
I had forfeited my power, my greatness, and my worthiness because I’d wanted it to come from an outside source instead of from within. I did reconcile that as a child, that part was normal; however as we grow physically, there has to be emotional maturity and responsibility. Look, I will never ever ever tell anyone that they have not gone through what they have. I will never try to convince you that it was an illusion or that because we were kids it didn’t count, or that my father wasn’t wrong for abandoning his responsibility… I will however ask, what are you doing with what He’s given you?
You see, the mere Fact that we are here, proves in and of itself that I AM, and because I belong to Him, worthiness is not an option, its’ the law!!! Yup, we all fall short of the glory, but it’s your personally identifying with inner worthiness that trumps every hurdle you’ve had to jump. It’s that itch that tells you to go right instead of left. Its that feeling that makes a young man stand up before the nation and proclaim that he has a dream and it Has come to pass.
I am no champion without being an example to myself first. I had to get off of the pity pot, stop dragging my feet, let the damn potato chips go and pick up my boxing gloves to fight!
Yes, I’ve been on Oprah, yes I’ve sung for America’s First Lady Michelle Obama, Yes, I’ve traveled the country and the world, Yes I’ve pressed my hands against the very pavement that my forefathers fought so gravely to be a part of even after my ancestors broke their backs with sweat building. All so that I can walk, stand, speak and sing across the airwaves that we all as equal living beings have a right to, but baby! All that there started with a decision.
A decision to breathe life into the body, the gifts and the soul of the one; count it now, the 1 opportunity that I have to Live! Existing is easy baby, but LIVING! Ha! That takes self-examination, bravery, ownership and honestly, a will that cannot be faded or easily broken by the voices of all that would call its self an enemy. Sometimes a quiet “fuck you” is the exact fuel you need to push yourself to the next level of living.
So today, soldier, fighter, redeemed, newly exhilarated. You hear me when I say… Get that ass up and GO! Take the charge. It is your body. You Are Worthy Beautifully made. Exquisite in His splendor. You are every bit of greatness that Your Master Love Source has whispered to you in the safety of your healing temple. Look, you will not win every battle, but know that it takes the right battle fought to win the war.
Don’t give up now. You’ve got to dig into yourself and pull that fighter out. No mental, physical or stereotypical bondage can hold you now. You’ve got the juice! Pull a team of 1 together and decide the plan. If you can’t run, swim, you can’t swim, hit a stationary bike, you can’t pedal, grab some 10 pound weights and sit in a chair and lift until you sweat.
Stop telling yourself what you can’t do. Rationalizing with foolishness because spaghetti tastes better. Where is your war cry? One day you won’t be able to taste anything if you don’t make the decision NOW. Change the lane you’re in, by changing what you think of yourself. Your bouts with worthiness are almost over- look in the mirror and call forth the vision for your life, passed how you look. What good is a fabulous fool with no sense of direction? Remember, it’s not what they say about you, it is about what you think of Yourself.
Love Your Self!
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.”