Fear can be a culprit, helping to breed many perspectives from a far. Perception!
Had someone very close to me “read me my rights” tonight. It was interesting having them share what they believed was absolute truth based on simple perception but never having asked the pertinent questions that help us see, walk beside and understand one another’s journey. For years he instead held an opinion based on ocular perspective and not information from the source
I sat quietly as they spewed venom and restrained opinion now released with no weight of or regard for the position they “hold” with me. I allowed them to speak at a level of personal truth that was freeing for them.
The best part was not only hearing their opinion, but waiting patiently to hear Gods response internally to what was being said to me. After all, the truth is that the people closest to us do see us “naked” to a degree. However that doesn’t make their perspective absolute or “Truth.
As I said, I listened, and what was being said was not so great, hell, if I’m honest it stung, hurt, and made me feel low at first. Even more I had to recognize that this truth, their experience was real for them. I don’t get to discount it simply because I hadn’t any idea of how they felt.
I however thank God for the whispers of the Holy Spirit. The complete and Total TRUTH from God. In those moments I was challenged to be vulnerable enough to say, to tell the whole truth, not only to them, the listener but also to myself.
I had to recognize that though I hadn’t any idea I was the savage, non-communicative, asshole, flagrant, arrogant, insensitive, unruly person being described to me, it had a weight, of truth. As they spoke I began seeing images of moments, experiences we’d experienced together. Shows, tapings, traveling etc. I internally asked God…Who was I then? As I am CERTAIN of who I am NOW. Without Apology.
GOD: Ahh, Abe. You see what fear can do? Do you see what brokenness without the hand of God can do? Are you hearing that this person feels as if you discounted who they were to me, what they did for you and even bigger how they felt you showed appreciation or a lack there of? Are you strong enough to admit that there is a hint of broken truth to what is being said to you? Do you see the damage it’s rolled out in your life? Is there any factual evidence to disprove these statements? Can you honestly say you have no idea what they’re saying and why? Will you now be strong enough to check, or be checked in a way that will grow you? Are you willing now to expose your true self without the fear of ridicule and judgement even from someone who you believe loves you ?
My answer was an emphatic Yes to ALL
I sat there and nearly melted, and then the Holy Spirit tapped me on the shoulder.
Holy Spirit: Hey you! Yes? It’s ok ABE.
Me: It is?
Holy Spirit: Yes son. Fear breeds just about every one of those statements made to you.
Me: Fear?
Holy Spirit: Yes Abe, Fear.
Me: Why Fear?
Because fear is not clothed in the good. It often times shows up as anger, stand-offish-ness, arrogance, short sided-ness, unappreciative, snappiness, boastful, pushy, an afraid Abraham.
You see, the person was speaking to me from their own perspective…which is about them…though it helps you to see you, it doesn’t make it your personal truth.
Symptoms often times reveal a greater wound, or hurt. This person was speaking to me about a period in my life when I felt completely alone and abandoned. I felt used and chased after, abused and not considered or seen. I felt no love. I could only see the hurt from peers, lovers, family, church hurt etc. So I dealt with everyone with the mindset that “You’re only here to get something. Once this is over, once there is no Oprah glow, no money flowing, you’ll be out.”
I’d won the Oprah show, but I gained a heap of problems and people who honestly were not there for me. They were there for the stuff and things. The light and hope that they’d “get something.
I’m not speaking to everyone I knew. But I can say that it made me protect myself from, shield myself, hide myself…which appears as Boughie, haughty, arrogant and distasteful to the on-looker. When in fact, I was scared, I could feel that the Los Angeles singing peers I thought I had… Well, were not friends, in a great number of cases. My friends hadn’t won 250,000.00 so they didn’t know that pressure, etc. I went through a number of things I had zero support for nor were there people around who’d experienced an exponential unplanned moment of growth and trajectory shifting. All of a sudden I was “seen” and expected to know what that meant, how to deal, how to handle etc.
I say all of this to share the amazing Love God has for us. I noticed that God never kept tabs of my brokenness but instead shared with me while my friend was tearing me a new one, how he protected me, yes, Abraham. Your ears were too sensitive then, you would have listened and quit. You would have folded. Yes, arrogant, Arrogance is false confidence, He said, I used that to build you while you had NONE. Stand-offis-ness, I used that because you were so broken and lonely you would have let anyone in. Yes. Shortness… ABE I only needed you to hear what I was saying so there was no need to listen to the broken who stood with knives around you.
Abraham you have to understand that I love you. So much so That I couldn’t allow you to be be concerned about those around you at the time. “I am God and they are my responsibility” All of that was to get you HERE. You don’t need the cheers anymore, your skin is tough, you don’t rely completely on a sounding board because I Do That for you NOW. Arrogance, no sir, I’ve taken everything from you, so that I can gift you with LIFE which is so much greater than the stuff, things and even opportunity folks think you get that they don’t. I CHOOSE Abraham. I CHOOSE> And You SON have been chosen.
Beyond, your brokenness, your ugliness, your challenges, your uncertainties, your arrogance, your sorrowfulness, you ARE MINE!!!
I CHOOSE. Choosing you is a gift because now you stand without being the accuser…because you now know what that feels like, you know what hopelessness is, so Now I fill you with HOPE. Your gift is a mighty one, but impotent without me. Sounding good is not the anointing. Being the Light is the anointing and the light only comes with Discipline and Obedience.”
I was able to turn to my brother and share where I was during those times of despair, and desperation, exponential growth and shine. I was able to look in to their heart and share that I never, not once intended to disrespect you, hurt you, mistrust you… I was moving around in a bubble to Protect Myself. I cannot apologize for who I was 10 years ago because it took that to get THIS and THIS I will never exchange for a money bag or fame. PEACE OF MIND is a Gift that’s only rivaled by simply “being alive”.
So for you. The mean one, the sad one, the uncomfortable one, the un-favored one, the arrogant one, the shy one, the lonely one, the fearful one. Today we take up our cross and Become FEARLESS.
FEAR will not overcome me. Fear will not keep me from grinding and pushing forward without apology…the ONLY requirement is that I follow God. I listen, I make an effort to hear the spirit and that I am truthful with myself which will allow me to be truthful with you.
Never be afraid to hear the people closest to you. The truth is I asked, “Why would you work so long for such a heinous person by your description? In his own fear he was afraid to step out and become the brilliant creative genius he is today. He took fire that he would have never seen had he been obedient to the spirit himself. We learned so much in that conversation which I believe has drawn us to a higher level of respect and the ability to respond without weight, sass or hash.
Two STRONG people will Always choose a conversation over an argument. Today was a great day for a much needed conversation.
Thank God for God. Y’all be good out there.
AB McDonald